Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
by ArtikGato
Summary: Join our favorite characters of Inuyasha as they act out the story of Monty Python and the Holy Grail! See King Inuyasha, Sir Miroku the "Chaste", Sir Sesshomaru the Brave and Almightily Good Looking, and Sir Kouga, the Not-Quite-As-Brave-As-Sesshomaru!!
1. Part Two: The Black Knight and Witches t...

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

This chapter contains the next two scenes, okay?

**Part Two**

**D. **The Black Knight

**E. **Witches weigh the same as ducks!

FADE IN

EXT. A FOREST WITH A CLEARING IN THE MIDDLE AND A BRIDGE

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride through the forest, when they happen apon a little clearing in which two knights are duking it out in a bloody battle of epic proportions!! There is the BLACK KNIGHT and the NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

YAAAAAAH!!!

(charges at the NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT)

**NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT**

YAAAAARRRGHHH!!

(charges at the BLACK KNIGHT)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

HIYAH!!!

(slashes with his sword)

**NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARN BLACK KNIGHT**

WAAHHH!!

(runs in terror)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

(throws his sword, which somehow impales the NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARK BLACK KNIGHT through his visor. 

The NOT QUITE AS BLACK BUT STILL PRETTY DARK BLACK KNIGHT dies

**KAGOME AND SHIPPO**

EEEWWWWW!!!!

**INUYASHA**

(rides up with Kagome and Shippo cowering behind him in disgust)

You fight with the strength of many men, Sir...what's your name??

**KAGOME AND SHIPPO**

(facefault)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(silent)

**INUYASHA**

Umm... I am Inuyasha, Lord of the 

Hanyous, Humans, and Demons!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(silent)

**INUYASHA**

(arches eyebrow)

I seek the finest warriors in the land 

to join me in my court at Camelot.

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(silent)

**INUYASHA**

Come on now, won't you join me?

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(silent)

**INUYASHA**

You make me sad. Come, Patsy!

**SHIPPO**

IF YOU CALL ME PATSY ONE MORE TIME I WILL SET 

YOU ON FIRE YOU BLOODY TWO-BIT 

EXCUSE FOR A DEMON!!

**INUYASHA**

(ignores Shippo)

(sighs)

Oh well. 

(makes a move to go past the BLACK KNIGHT)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

None shall pass.

(as a side note, the BLACK KNIGHT is NARAKU. ^_^)

**INUYASHA**

Eh?

**BLACK KNIGHT**

I said, none shall pass.

**INUYASHA**

I don't want any trouble, good man, 

but I must cross this bridge.

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Then you shall die.

**INUYASHA**

That's nice...but I command you, 

as King of the Hanyous, to stand aside!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

I move for no man or demon alive.

**INUYASHA**

But I'm neither, I'm a hanyou.

**BLACK KNIGHT**

I don't move for hanyous either!!

**INUYASHA**

Very well then! 

INUYASHA and the BLACK KNIGHT engage in BATTLE. They FIGHT for a WHILE, but then INUYASHA slashes the BLACK KNIGHT'S ARM off.

**INUYASHA**

Now stand aside!!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(checks himself)

'Tis but a scratch!

**INUYASHA**

A scratch?! Your arm's off!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Yeah right.

**INUYASHA**

Well, what's that then?

(points at the severed arm)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(looks at it, then looks back at Inuyasha)

I've had worse!

**INUYASHA**

You lie!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Come on, you pansy!!

(charges at INUYASHA again)

**INUYASHA**

Eyaaaah!

(slashes his OTHER ARM off)

Yes! Victory is mine!

(kneels down to pray)

Oh great Lord I thank you for-

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(kicks INUYASHA right in the head)****

Hah! Is that the best you can do?!

**INUYASHA**

...what in bloody heck?!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Take that!

(kicks INUYASHA)

**INUYASHA**

Hey! Stop that! You are indeed brave, 

sir knight, but the fight is mine! Now MOVE!!!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

What's the matter, had enough yet?

**INUYASHA**

Look, stupid, you've got no arms left.

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Yes I have!

**INUYASHA**

(points at the severed arms)

Then why are they on the ground over there?!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(checks himself again)

'Tis only a flesh wound!! Come on ya PANSY!!!

(kicks INUYASHA again)

**INUYASHA**

Hey!! Stop that!!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Chicken! Chicken!! Bawk bawk bawk!!!

**INUYASHA**

That's IT!!

(slashes the BLACK KNIGHT's RIGHT LEG off)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

I'll get you for that!

**INUYASHA**

What in Kami-sama's name?!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Come here, I'll mess you up good!!

**INUYASHA**

(rolls eyes)

What are you going to do, bleed on me?!

**BLACK KNIGHT**

I am invincible!!

**INUYASHA**

You're a looney!

**KAGOME AND SHIPPO**

As if that's a new thing...

**BLACK KNIGHT**

The Black Knight always truimphs!! 

Get over here now!!

**INUYASHA**

You annoy me.

(slashes the BLACK KNIGHT's LEFT LEG off)

**BLACK KNIGHT**

(looks around)

Fine, we'll call it a draw.

**INUYASHA**

Pfffsh. Whatever you say. Come on, let's go.

INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO cross the bridge

**BLACK KNIGHT**

Oh, running away, huh!! You yellow bastard! 

Come back here and get what you deserve!! 

I'll bite your kneecaps off!!

**INUYASHA**

Shaddup.

FADE IN

EXT. AN OLD STYLE RENNAISSANCE VILLAGE WITH A LARGE PLATFORM

(A KNIGHT, aka SANGO, is standing on a PLATFORM in front of a LARGE ROWDY CROWD, who apparently have found a WITCH, aka KIKYO. SANGO is in the process of tying a COCONUT to a SWALLOW when the CROWD runs up.)

**RANDOM PERSON #1**

We have found a witch, may we burn her?!

**CROWD**

BURRRRNNNN!! BURRRRNNNN!!!

**SANGO**

How do you KNOW that she is a witch?!

**RANDOM PERSON #2**

She looks like one!

**CROWD**

Yeah! Yeah!

**SANGO**

(sighs)

Show her to me, then.

KIKYO is brought to the front of the CROWD. She is wearing BLACK CLOTHING, a BLACK HAT, and has a CARROT tied to her NOSE.

**SANGO**

(looks at her)

Well, she may not be a witch, but she's certainly 

something that rhymes with it... 

LET'S BURN HER!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Suddenly, a LARGE MOOSE drops from the SKY and lands beside SANGO.

**MOOSE**

That's not your line!!

**SANGO**

Aigh!! A talking moose!! God save us!!

**MOOSE**

I'll go away once you say the right line!

**SANGO**

Umm...okay. 

**KIKYO**

I'm not a witch!

**SANGO**

But you're dressed like one.

The MOOSE, satisfied that it's JOB is done for NOW, EVAPORATES.

**KIKYO**

THEY dressed me up like this!

(points at the crowd)

**CROWD**

No no no! We didn't!

**KIKYO**

And this isn't my real nose either!! 

It's a carrot!

**SANGO**

(takes off the carrot)

Oh, I see then. 

**RANDOM PERSON #3**

Well...we did do the nose.

**SANGO**

The nose?

**RANDOM PERSON #4**

...and the hat. But she is a witch!!

**CROWD**

BURN!! BURRRRNNNN!!!

**SANGO**

Did you dress her up like this?

**CROWD**

No!! Of course not!

(silence)

**RANDOM PERSON #5**

Yes...we did.

**CROWD**

Well...yes...we did...kinda..

**RANDOM DEMON #1**

But she HAS got a wart!!

**SANGO**

But what makes you think she is a witch?

**RANDOM PERSON #6**

She turned me into a slug!!

(silence)

**SANGO**

A slug?

**RANDOM PERSON #6**

Maybe it was a newt...but I got better!!

**CROWD**

BURN HER ANYWAY!! 

BUUUUUURRRRNNNNN!!

**SANGO**

Be quiet! There are WAYS of telling if she is a witch or not!

**CROWD**

There are? TELL US!! 

TELLLLL UUUUSSS!!

**SANGO**

Now, what do you do with witches?

**CROWD**

BUUURRNNN THEM!!! 

BURRRRNNNNNN THEEMMMMM!!!****

**SANGO**

And what do you burn apart from witches?

**RANDOM DEMON #2**

MORE WITCHES!!!

(silence)

**RANDOM DEMON #3**

...wood?

**SANGO**

Right. Now, why do witches burn?

**CROWD**

Because...they're...made out of wood?

**SANGO**

Good! Now how do we tell whether 

or not she's made out of wood?

**RANDOM PERSON #7**

Build a bridge out of her!

**SANGO**

But can you not also build 

bridges out of stone?

**RANDOM PERSON #7**

Oh...right...

**SANGO**

Tell me this, does wood sink in water?

**CROWD**

No no!! It floats!!

**RANDOM DEMON #4**

Throw her into the pond!!

**CROWD**

YEAAAHHH!!

**SANGO**

All right, BE QUIET!! That's NOT what I meant! 

Now, what else floats in water?

**RANDOM DEMON #1**

Bread!

**RANDOM HUMAN #1**

Apples!

**RANDOM HUMAN #3**

Uh...very small rocks!

**RANDOM DEMON #2**

Children!

**RANDOM HUMAN #5**

Flowers!

**RANDOM DEMON #10**

Mud!!

**RANDOM HUMAN #14**

Temples! Temples!

**RANDOM DEMON #156**

Lead! Lead!

**INUYASHA**

(sighs and rolls his eyes)

DUCKS!!

(Side note: INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO rode up some time during the previous scene.)

The crowd is silent and everyone looks at INUYASHA

**SANGO**

Exactly!! 

(turns back to the crowd)

So, logically...

**RANDOM PERSON #87**

If she weighs the same as a duck...

(brief silence)

**CROWD**

A witch!! A WIIIITCCCCHHHH!!!

**SANGO**

Now, I just need a duck...

**SHIPPO**

Here, I'll turn into one!

(SHIPPO turns into a DUCK with a POOF)

There!

**SANGO**

Right! Now we shall use the largest scales!!

**CROWD**

Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

**KAGOME**

BURN HER!!! BURN HER!!

(everyone looks at her)

What? I've got a vendetta against her!

They weigh KIKYO and SHIPPO and, somehow, they weigh the SAME. The CROWD storms off with KIKYO to go BURN HER. KAGOME laughs DIABOLICALLY and the AUTHORESS SMILES because now ALL IS RIGHT in the WORLD. Or so it seems...

**SANGO**

Who are you, wise, one, who 

knows much in the ways of science?

**INUYASHA**

I am Inuyasha, Lord of the Demons, 

Humans, and Hanyous!

**SANGO**

My leige!

**INUYASHA**

Tell me, good sir--er, MADAM knight, 

would you be interested in joining 

me in my court at Camelot? 

**SANGO**

I would be honored!!

**INUYASHA**

(takes out his sword)

Then I dub you Sir--er Madam...umm...

What was you name?

**KAGOME, SHIPPO, AND SANGO**

(facefault)

**SANGO**

Sango, my lord.

**INUYASHA**

Then I dub you SIR Sango! 

A Knight of the Round Table!

**SANGO**

But I'm a girl!

**INUYASHA**

Just pretend that you're not.

**SANGO**

(shrugs)

Whatever. But you called 

me Madam twice before so-

Suddenly, the MOOSE from BEFORE drops from the SKY again

**MOOSE**

From now on, we shall call her Sir/Madam Sango, 

and NOTHING else!!!

**EVERYONE**

(nods)

**MOOSE**

Allrighty then!

(evaporates)

**NARRATOR**

_The wise Sir/Madam Sango was the first to join King Inuyasha's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Sesshomaru the Brave and Allmightily Good Looking (^_^''), Sir Miroku the "Pure", and Sir Kouga the Not-Quite-So- -Brave-Or-Almightily-Good-Looking-As-Sir-Sesshomaru, who had nearly fought the Gerbil Demon of the Forest, nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And let's not forget the aptly named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Script. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries (or maybe the decades...): the Knights of the Round Table._


	2. Welcome to the Madness!

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

**INTRODUCTION**

Disclaimer: I do not own _Monty Python and the Holy Grail, nor do I own _Inuyasha_ or the characters from that wonderful anime/manga. As for this story, I guess I do own the concept of __Monty Python and the Holy Grail played out by characters from _Inuyasha_. Anyway, please don't copy this word for word, as I DID change some of the dialogue and other stuff to make sense, but you CAN write as many InuPythons as you want!! _

Author's Notes: I figured out a way to combine two very cool things into one thing! Yay! Plus, it gave me something to do with my time the second week of summer. What? What do you mean I should be doing my summer reading for English next year?! Preposterous!

Anyway, this story DOES contain A LOT of dialogue that was originally from the movie _Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In fact, most of the dialogues are, and pretty much every scene/set/scenario is, taken straight from the movie. Note that I DID add a LOT of dialogue and other stuff in order for it to make sense, incorporate a character, or just generally be funnier. It makes a LOT of sense if you watch __Holy Grail first and just paste the characters of __Inuyasha into the story._

NOTE:

This is NOT script format, it is PLAY format. In other words, it's written in the way that the script of a play would be written. WHY did I write it in this way? I wanted to try something different, and besides, since I'm basically writing a movie I figured that it would make more sense in play format rather than in other formats. Here's a general guideline to help you understand this format, if you don't already:

FADE IN : this signals the beginning of a new scene

EXT. DESCRIPTION OF THE SET/SCENERY : this describes the scenery, duh.

**AUDIENCE**

Comments about the set/scenery that 

I think are appropriate will go here.

(Here I'll place a list of the CHARACTERS involved in the beginning of the scene and what they're doing. I'll also provide other random information at my discretion.)

**CHARACTER NAME**

What that person is saying.

**ANOTHER CHARACTER NAME**

What THAT person is saying. If they 

say something that takes up two or 

three lines when normally typed out, 

then I'll break it up so that it's shorter.

Something that pertains to the scene, such as people dieing or leaving.

**CHARACTER NAME**

What they say.

(what they're doing, or

they're attitude while they are

saying their line/s)

(silence) : this means that everyone is silent.

**RANDOM PERSON**

These are characters that I didn't feel like 

coming up with a name for, and so I 

just put 'random'. They only have one

or two lines in the whole scene, so

they are unimportant, anyway.

**ANOTHER CHARACTER**

When there is a line or lines of dialogue that are five or six lines (or a speech), then I don't bother to shorten it and just leave it the way it is. This happens in quite a few instances, actually. Also, this applies to ANYTHING that the Narrator or Kouga's Minstrel say. Side note: Anything the Narrator is says is always _italics as well. _

_Meanwhile... : anything NOT said by the Narrator_

that is italicized is going to be 'meanwhile' or 'some 

time later'.

(Anything in the technical notes that is CAPITALIZED is important, such as a CHARACTER'S NAME or something RANDOM THAT I DEEM IMPORTANT or a PLACE or something)

Also, anything in the scene information that is CAPITALIZED is the same as anything in the TECHNICAL NOTES)

**RANDOM KNIGHT**

(this also applies to STUFF the CHARACTERS do)

Do you understand all of that? Confusing, ne?

**FINAL NOTE:**

Trying to post three scenes per chapter has caused complications. The first chapter contains the first three scenes, which are pretty short, but with the longer chapters I just can't do that. Therefore, I might have to post only two or even one scene per chapter. I don't know. Just bear with me for right now! I WILL post all fifteen chapters! I just don't know how many I can put in each post. Anyway, for your reference, here's a scene list!

**INUYASHA AND THE HOLY TAMA SCENE LIST: **

I. Swallows can't carry coconuts!

II. Bring out your dead!

III. "Dennis"

IV. The Black Knight

V. Witches weigh the same as ducks!

VI. The Knights of the Round Table and God

VII. The Trojan Chipmunk

VIII. One head is better than three!

IX. The Castle Cholera

X. Scene Twenty-Four

XI. An ordeal at Swamp Castle

XII. The Knights Who Until Now Said Nnniii!!

XIII. The Holy Hand Grenade!

XIV. The Bridge of Death

XV. Raging Authoresses, Llamas, and the END!!!

**FINAL FINAL NOTE:**

Try not to read one chapter at a time. It makes MUCH more sense when you read the thing in it's entirety. I know my posting it divided up isn't really _helping_ this, but just bear with me. At least go back and read the end of the previous chapter before you start on the next!


	3. Swallows, Coconuts, bring out your dead,...

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

**Part One:**

**A. **Swallows can't carry coconuts!

**B. **Bring out your dead!

**C. **"Dennis"

FADE IN

EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF

(INUYASHA, wearing RED ARMOR, rides up over the hill...except that he isn't really riding, he's just ACTING like he's riding. KAGOME 'rides' beside him, and behind them SHIPPO trots around, banging TWO EMPTY HALVES of COCONUTS together. The trio rides up to the GATES of the CASTLE. Two GUARDS are at the top of the castle: MISTRESS CENTIPEDE and DEMON HAIR YURA.)

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Halt, who goes there?!

**INUYASHA**

It is I, Inuyasha, from the far South, king of the Hanyous, 

defeater of a lot of demons, and ruler of 

the entire Sengoku Jidai!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

You don't look like a king...

**INUYASHA**

Er...I'm not, really...anyway, this is my bride, the 

fair maiden Kagome, Lady of the Well, 

and this is my trusty servant, Patsy

**SHIPPO**

SHIPPO!!! My name is SHIPPO!!

**INUYASHA**

(ignoring him)

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land 

in search of valiant youkai to join us 

in our court at Camelot!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

You mean you rode on a horse?

**INUYASHA**

Yes, as you can see, my colleagues and 

I have valiant steeds, which we-

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

You're using coconuts!

**INUYASHA**

What?

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

You've got two empty halves of coconuts and 

you're banging 'em together!

**INUYASHA**

I'm afraid I'm not following you. You see, we have 

ridden since the snows of winter covered 

this land, through the land of China, through-****

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Where'd you get the coconuts?

**INUYASHA**

We found them.

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Found them? Where? This is Japan, fool!

 The coconut's tropical!

**INUYASHA**

What?

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

This is a temperate climate zone, you see.

**INUYASHA**

The swallow may fly south with the sun 

or the bluebird or the plover may 

seek warmer climates in winter, 

yet these are not strangers to our land? 

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

What the hell are you saying?! 

That coconuts should migrate?!

**INUYASHA**

No no no, they should be carried!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Swallows can't carry coconuts!

**INUYASHA**

It could carry it by the husk!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

It's not a question of where it grips it! 

It's a simple question of weight ratios! 

A five-ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut!! 

**INUYASHA**

Oh, it doesn't matter anyway!! 

Will you please go and tell your master that 

Inuyasha of Camelot is here!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, 

a swallow needs to beat it's wings forty-three 

times every second, right?

**INUYASHA**

Please!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Am I right?

**INUYASHA**

I don't care whether a stupid swallow 

can carry a coconut!!

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

But an African swallow could carry it!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Oh, of course an _AFRICAN _swallow could, 

but a _EUROPEAN_ swallow most certainly could not. 

That's what I'm trying to get through to this guy.

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

**INUYASHA**

Hey! Are you going to ask him or not?!

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

But, wait a minute, African swallows 

are non-migratory.

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

Oh, yeah.

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

So they couldn't bring a coconut here, 

anyway.

**INUYASHA**

Argh! I give up! Come on, Kagome, 

Patsy, let's go!

**SHIPPO**

My name is SHIPPO!!

INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride away.

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

Wait, what if two swallows carried

 it together?

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

What, an African swallow 

or a European one?

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

European.

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

Well in that case, they'd have 

to carry it on a line.

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

They could carry it on a 

strand of creeper.

**MISTRESS CENTIPEDE**

That's absurd! Where would they put the 

ends, under their dorsal feathers?

**DEMON HAIR YURA**

Why not?****

FADE IN:

EXT. AN OLD-STYLE RENAISSANCE VILLAGE. 

(A person is dragging a cart through town, piled with dead demons and humans. Other living humans and demons are waiting to sell their dead to the cartmaster)

**CARTMASTER******

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!

(Whacks a BELL with a LARGE STICK)

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!

(Repeats)

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

**KOHAKU**

What are you gonna do with 'em?

**CARTMASTER******

We bury them. For sanitary purposes.

**KOHAKU**

All right then. How much will you pay for him?

(motions to what appears to be a dead centaur demon)

**CARTMASTER******

Ten pounds, I suppose.

**KOHAKU**

TEN POUNDS?!

At the loud cry, the 'dead' centaur demon suddenly wakes up.

**CENTAUR DEMON**

Who are you?

**KOHAKU**

Oh crud...

**CARTMASTER******

Is he still alive?

**KOHAKU**

Umm...oh! No! He's not!!

(Frantically trying to keep the centaur demon from talking)

**CENTAUR DEMON**

I'm not dead yet! 

**CARTMASTER******

Eh?

**KOHAKU**

What? Oh! That must be the wind...

**CENTAUR DEMON**

I'm not dead yet, I tell ya!

**CARTMASTER******

He says he's not dead!

**KOHAKU**

He is, I swear!!

**CENTAUR DEMON**

No I'm NOT!

**CARTMASTER******

Are you SURE?!

**KOHAKU**

Well...he'll die soon. He's very sick 

and OLD and stuff!

**CENTAUR DEMON**

I'm getting better!!

**KOHAKU**

Yeah right, you'll drop dead 

in a minute or two!

**CARTMASTER******

Well, I'm sorry sir, but I can't 

take them if they're alive.

**KOHAKU**

Please?

**CENTAUR DEMON**

I feel happy!! 

**CARTMASTER******

I'm sorry, but I can't.

**KOHAKU**

Isn't there something you can do?

**CENTAUR DEMON**

I think I'll go for a walk!

**CARTMASTER******

No, I'm very sorry.

**CENTAUR DEMON**

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts-

**CARTMASTER**

(Finally annoyed; hits the Centaur Demon on the head)

**CENTAUR DEMON**

(dies)

**CARTMASTER**

(puts the dead centaur demon on the cart)

**KOHAKU**

Thank you!!

**CARTMASTER******

Don't mention it.

**KOHAKU**

Whatever.

INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride by.

**KAGOME**

Eeew! Inuyasha, did we _have_ to come this way?! 

There are dead people all over!

**INUYASHA**

No, we didn't I just wanted to see your reaction.****

**KOHAKU**

Now who do you suppose they are?

**CARTMASTER******

Maybe he's a king?

**KOHAKU**

Why do you say that?

**CARTMASTER******

He hasn't got shit all over him.

FADE IN

EXT. A LARGE FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, and SHIPPO ride through the field toward who appears to be KAEDE-BABA. INUYASHA rides up to 'her'.)

**INUYASHA**

Excuse me, old woman!

**NARAKU**

I'm not a woman!

**KAGOME AND SHIPPO**

Coulda fooled me...

**NARAKU**

...and I'm not old!!

**INUYASHA**

Well...could you tell me who-

**NARAKU**

I'm twenty-seven!

**INUYASHA**

What does that have to do with anything?

**NARAKU**

You said I was an old woman when 

in fact I'm a young male demon!

**KAGOME**

That's debatable...

**INUYASHA**

I can't just call you "young male demon".

**NARAKU**

You could call me Dennis.

**INUYASHA**

Why not Naraku?

**NARAKU**

Who's Naraku?

**INUYASHA**

Aren't you?

**NARAKU**

No, I'm Dennis.

**INUYASHA**

Umm...whatever. Look, I'm sorry about the 

old woman thing, but from the back you looked like-

**DENNIS**

I object to the fact that you automatically 

treat me like an inferior!

**INUYASHA**

But I'm a king!

**DENNIS**

(irritated)

Oh, well, that's nice, very nice. 

And HOW d'you get to be king? 

By exploiting the workers, that's what!

By keeping to moronic outdated imperialist 

dogma like taboo which perpetuates 

the economic and social differences in our society. 

If there's ever going to be any progress 

with the bloody government-

KAEDE-BABA walks up

**KAEDE-BABA**

Oh, Dennis, shut up.

(notices Inuyasha)

Oh, hello there. I didn't notice you. 

How are you?

**INUYASHA**

Good day, ma'am. I am Inuyasha, king of the Hanyous!

Would you happen to know who lives in that castle?

**KAEDE-BABA**

King of the who?

**INUYASHA**

The hanyous. In other words, 

I'm king of both humans and demons.

**KAEDE-BABA**

What in the world are you talking about?

**INUYASHA**

Truthfully, I'm not really sure. 

Anyway, could you please tell me 

who lives in that castle over there?

**KAEDE-BABA**

No one lives there. 

We're an autonomous collective.

**INUYASHA**

A what?

**DENNIS**

Oh come on, Kaede, you know that's not true. 

We're living in a dictatorship. 

A self-perpetuating autocracy 

in which the working classes-

**KAEDE-BABA**

Oh, there you go bringing class into it again!

**DENNIS**

That's what it's all about! If only 

people would hear about-

**INUYASHA**

Please, I need to hurry. 

Who lives in that castle?!

**KAEDE-BABA**

No one lives there, silly!

**INUYASHA**

Then who is your lord?

**KAEDE-BABA**

A lord? Who needs one?

**INUYASHA**

What are you talking about?!

**DENNIS**

How many times do I have to tell you? 

We're an anarcho-syndicalist community. 

We take it in turns to act as executive officers for a week.

**INUYASHA**

Huh. That's confusing.

**DENNIS**

But all the decision of that officer have to 

be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..

**INUYASHA**

(irritated)

Is that so?

**DENNIS**

...by a simple majority in the case of authority...

**INUYASHA**

Shut up.

**DENNIS**

But a two-thirds majority in the case of major-

**INUYASHA**

Shut up, already! I order you to be quiet!

**KAEDE-BABA**

You ORDER us?! Who do you think you are?!

**INUYASHA**

Your king, that's who!! I'm your king, I swear it!

**KAEDE-BABA**

Oh, I see. No wonder I didn't vote for you.

**INUYASHA**

Wha? Who ever heard of VOTING for a king?!

**KAEDE-BABA**

How did you become king, then?

**INUYASHA**

(points at Kagome)

My fair bride, the Lady of the Well, broke me 

from a spell that had bound me to a tree for fifty years. 

Then, she pulled the legendary Tetsusaiga from 

it's resting place and gave it to me, symbolizing that I, 

Inuyasha, was to be king of hanyous, humans, and demons.

**KAGOME**

(blushes)

**DENNIS**

Listen, strange girls coming out of wells and 

handing out swords is no basis for a system of government! 

Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from 

the masses, not from some freakish awakening ceremony. 

**INUYASHA AND KAGOME**

Shut up!

**DENNIS**

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 

'cause some strange woman threw a weapon at you!

**INUYASHA, KAGOME, AND SHIPPO**

Will you SHUT UP already?!

**DENNIS**

I mean, if I went around saying that I was the emperor 

just because some crazy bitch emerged from a well 

and chucked a hunk of metal at me, 

they'd throw me in the loony bin!

**INUYASHA**

(unsheathes the TETSUSAIGA and powers it up and threatens DENNIS with it)

SHUT UP ALREADY!!! SHUT UP!!

**DENNIS**

Ah, now I see the violence inherent in the system!

**INUYASHA**

Shut up!!

**DENNIS**

Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! 

Oh, someone save me, save me!!

Help help, I'm be oppressed!

**INUYASHA**

Stupid peasant.

(turns to KAGOME and SHIPPO)

Come on, let's go!

They ride away

**DENNIS**

Oh, what a give-away! Did you hear that? 

Did you! Did you see him oppressing me? 

That's what I'm going on about! 

You saw it, didn't you?

**KAEDE-BABA**

Oh, shut up!


	4. The Knights of the Round Table, God, the...

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

**Part Three**

**F. **The Knights of the Round Table and God

**G. **The Trojan Chipmunk

**H. **One Head is Better than Three!

**NARRATOR**

_The wise Sir/Madam Sango was the first to join King Inuyasha's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow. Sir Sesshomaru the Brave and Allmightily Good Looking (^_^''), Sir Miroku the "Pure", and Sir Kouga the Not-Quite-So- -Brave-Or-Almightily-Good-Looking-As-Sir-Sesshomaru, who had nearly fought the Gerbil Demon of the Forest, nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And let's not forget the aptly named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Script. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries (or maybe the decades...): the Knights of the Round Table._

FADE IN

EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF

**AUDIENCE**

What the heck? This is the third time 

they've used this scenery!! 

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, MIROKU, SESSHOMARU, KOUGA, and AN ASSORTMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE BANGING COCONUT HALVES TOGETHER are riding along in a field. There is a LARGE CASTLE just up ahead but NO-ONE seems to NOTICE it.)

**SANGO**

...and that is why the world is shaped like a pumpkin!

**INUYASHA**

Er...interesting. Now, tell me, 

is it true that you can use 

the wings of two swallows to purify water?

**SANGO**

As far as I know, yes!

**INUYASHA**

Splendid!

**KAGOME**

Wow, what's that up ahead?!

**INUYASHA**

Why, it's Camelot!

**SESSHOMARU**

Camelot!

**MIROKU**

Camelot!

**KOUGA**

Camelot!

**SHIPPO**

It's only a model, you know-

**INUYASHA**

Shut up, Patsy!

(Conks SHIPPO on the HEAD with a STICK)

**SHIPPO**

My name is SHIPPO for the 

ONE THOUSANDTH TIME!!

**INUYASHA**

(ignores him)

Come on, Knights! 

Let us ride to...Camelot!!

_Inside the castle, however..._

An assortment of KNIGHTS dance around like FOOLS. Random MUSIC plays in the BACKGROUND and the KNIGHTS start their SONG

_We're Knights of the Round Table!_

_We dance when 'ere we're able!_

_We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable!_

_We eat well here in Camelot_

_We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!_

{Musical interlude}

_We're Knights of the Round Table!_

_Our shows are for-mi-dable!_

_But many times we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable!_

_We're opera mad here in Camelot_

_We sing from the diaphram a lot!_

{Longer MUSICAL INTERLUDE in which a GUY beats on the HELMETS of some KNIGHTS, a PRISONER that is chained to a WALL claps, and many KNIGHTS in what appear to be APRONS do the CAN-CAN on the TABLES}

_In war we're tough and able!_

_Quite indefagitable!_

_Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable!_

_It's a busy life here in Camelot..._

(one lone guy with a deep voice) : _I have to push the pram a lot!_

Music concludes with the DANCING and other such RANDOM STUFF. And now back to our heroes!

**INUYASHA**

No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. 

'Tis a silly place.

**SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, AND KOUGA**

Right, right. 

Some time later, in the SAME FIELD

**INUYASHA**

Is that right? I always thought 

that mooses were herbivores-

In a CLOUD above, GOD appears

**GOD**

Inuyasha!! King of the Hanyous!!

**INUYASHA**

My Lord!!

EVERYONE kneels before GOD

**GOD**

Oh, stop it. Don't do that!

**INUYASHA**

I'm sorry my Lord. Please forgive me!

**GOD**

And don't do that either!! 

Every time I talk to someone it's always 

"Oh, please forgive me!" or "I'm not worthy!" 

I'm getting tired of that crap... 

oh good grief! What are you doing NOW?!

**INUYASHA**

I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord!

**GOD**

Well, stop that too! 

Just like those stupid Psalms...pfft. 

**INUYASHA**

(nods fervently)

**GOD**

Now that we've got all THAT straightened out... 

Inuyasha, King of the Hanyous, Humans and Demons! 

You and your knights shall have a task set apon 

you to distinquish yourself from other 

knights in these dark times...was that dramatic?

**INUYASHA**

Umm...yes!

**GOD**

Good! Because I practiced that 

for a long time! Now...behold!!

In the place of GOD a CUP LIKE THING appears and it's all GLOWY.

**INUYASHA**

Umm...whatzat?

**GOD**

It's the Holy Grail!

**INUYASHA**

But the title of this thing is 

'Inuyasha and the Holy TAMA'. 

**GOD**

What? Oh, fine!!

In the place of the HOLY GRAIL a GLOWING ORB LIKE THING appears.

**INUYASHA**

(gasps)

It is the Holy Tama!

**GOD**

Yes!! It is your job to seek out this G- er, Tama!! 

**MIROKU**

What if we don't?

**GOD**

It sucks to be you.

The CLOUDS shut like CURTAINS and GOD disappears.

**KOUGA**

It is a blessing from the Lord!

**SESSHOMARU**

No kidding?! Wow, I SURE couldn't 

have figured that out all on my own!

**KOUGA**

Shut up!

**SESSHOMARU**

I don't have to!

**KOUGA**

I'm a wolf demon and wolves 

are superior to dogs!!

**SESSHOMARU**

The authoress likes me BETTER! So HA!!

**KOUGA**

(pouts)

Suddenly, a HUGE SIGN that says **'THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY TAMA'** drops on KOUGA's HEAD...but he doesn't die. Oh well...

FADE IN

EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF

**AUDIENCE**

AGAIN?! Low budget crap!!

(OUR HEROES, consisting of INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, MIROKU, SESSHOMARU and KOUGA, ride up to the gates of a RATHER TALL CASTLE. There are GUARDS standing on TOP of it, and they have FRENCH ACCENTS for NO APPARENT REASON)

**NARAKU**

Allo! Ooo ees it?

**INUYASHA**

It is I, Inuyasha, Lord of the Hanyous, 

Humans and Demons. And these are the Knights 

of the Round Table. Who lives in this castle?

**NARAKU**

Eet belongs to master Guy De Coatl!

**INUYASHA**

Go and tell your master that we have been 

sent on a quest by God, and that he may 

join us if he gives us food and shelter for the night!

**NARAKU**

What kind of quest?

**INUYASHA**

We are on a quest to find the Holy Tama!

**NARAKU**

Oh, that! He already has one.

**INUYASHA**

What?!

_Up with Naraku..._

**NARAKU**

(turns to his fellow French Guards-people)

I told them he already has one!

**OTHER GUARDS**

(laugh their butts off)

_Back with Inuyasha..._

**INUYASHA**

Well...can we come up and have a look, then?

**NARAKU**

Of course not!! I know you Hanyou types a!

**INUYASHA**

Well...what are you, then?

**NARAKU**

I'm French, you stupid! Why else would 

I have theees outrageous accent?!

**INUYASHA**

Aren't you a demon named Naraku?

**NARAKU**

Who's Naraku?

**INUYASHA**

Then are you called Dennis?

**NARAKU**

No, my name is Jean-Claude, if you must know!

**INUYASHA**

(scratches head)

Oh, whatever!! Look, if you won't show us the 

Holy Tama then we'll just have to 

take your castle by force!

**NARAKU**

You can't frighten us, stupid humans and demons! 

Go and boil your head, eeediot! I blow my nose at you, 

you so called 'Ee noo yah shah' 

and your stupid human and demon ku-ni-guts!

**MIROKU**

What a queer person.

**INUYASHA**

Now see here--

**NARAKU**

I'm not gonna talk to you anymore, 

you silly-brained sniffer of other people's butts! 

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! 

Go away or I weeel taunt you a second time a!

**INUYASHA**

Now, come on, I'm trying to be reasonable!

_Back up with Naraku_

**NARAKU**

(turns to his other French guard-peoples)

Fetchez le vache.

**GUARDS**

Quoi?

**NARAKU**

Fetchez le vache! 

**GUARDS**

Oui, oui!

_Back down with Inuyasha_

**INUYASHA**

Come on now, I've had 

quite enough of this--huh?!

NARAKU laughs INSANELY as the other GUARDS launch a HUGE COW over the side of the CASTLE at INUYASHA and the KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. The KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE run for their LIVES.

**KOUGA**

Run AWAY!!!

**EVERYONE ELSE**

RUN AWAAAAAAY!!!

They run into the FOREST by the CASTLE as the FRENCH GUARDS laugh their STUPID FRENCH BUTTS off.

_Later on_

**SANGO**

My leige, I think I have a plan.

**INUYASHA**

Is that so...?

_Even LATER on_

**NARAKU**

J'aime les arbres. Tu?

**GUARDS**

Tu est fou.

**NARAKU**

QUOI?!

Suddenly, sounds of HAMMERING, SAWING, and POWER TOOLS come from the FOREST. The GUARDS and NARAKU look at eachother and SHRUG. While they are distracted, INUYASHA and the KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE push a GIANT WOODEN CHIPMUNK up to the castle, and then run back into the FOREST.

**INUYASHA**

Well, Sango, what happens now?

**SANGO**

We wait until night fall, and then Sesshomaru, 

Miroku and I will jump out of the chipmunk, 

taking the French not only by suprize but totally unarmed!

**INUYASHA**

Who'll jump out of the chipmunk?

**SANGO**

(points)

Sesshomaru, Miroku, and I...oh. Whoops!

**EVERYONE**

(hits themselves on the head)

**KOUGA**

LOOK OUT!!

EVERYONE turns to look, only to see NARAKU again laughing his ASS off as the other GUARDS launch the GIANT WOODEN CHIPMUNK at the KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. They again run for their LIVES.

**EVERYONE**

RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!

FADE IN.

EXT. A FOREST WITH A NICE LITTLE PATH DOWN THE MIDDLE

(A RANDOM GUY wearing the ABSOLUTE DORKIEST CLOTHES IN THE WORLD is standing in the middle of the path with a MICROPHONE, being filmed for NO REASON)

**RANDOM GUY**

Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened Inuyasha. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Inuyasha became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Tama were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Inuyasha, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Tama individually.

Suddenly, a RANDOM KNIGHT rides by and SLICES off the RANDOM GUY's HEAD. The RANDOM GUY dies.

**WIFE OF THE RANDOM GUY**

(runs up tearfully)

BRUCE!!

FADE IN

EXT. A FOREST WITH A CLEARING IN THE MIDDLE AND A PATH

(Sir Kouga and a couple of his wolf-ish friends ride along through the forest)

**NARRATOR**

_Each of the knights have gone their separate ways. Sir Kouga has decided to ride north, accompanied by an annoying minstrel..._

**MINSTREL**

(singing)

Bravely bold, Sir Kouga rode forth from Camelot! He was not afraid to die, brave Sir Kouga!! He was not even the slightest bit afraid to be killed in many nasty ways! Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Kouga! He was not the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, or his elbows broken! He was not at all afraid to have his kneecaps split, his limbs all hacked and mangled, or to have his bones crushed into dust! Brave, brave Sir Kouga!!

**KOUGA**

Uhm...I think that's enough music 

for now, thank you.

DENNIS and KAEDE-BABA walk by

**DENNIS**

But anarcho-synchrony is a way of preserving freedom!

**KAEDE-BABA**

Oh, forget about freedom!

SIR KOUGA and his MINSTREL ride a little FURTHER.

There is a Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon blocking their path. *Heh, a little Yu-Gi-Oh! reference here...* Each head can speak separately or they can speak all at once

**BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON**

HALT!! Who goes there?!

**MINSTREL**

He is brave Sir Kouga, brave Sir Kou-

**KOUGA**

QUIET!!

(turns to the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon)

Uhm...no-one really! Heh heh...

**BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON**

What do you want?

**MINSTREL**

To fight and-

**KOUGA**

SHUT UP! 

(turns to the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon)

Umm...I j-just want to p-pass 

through, that's all. Really.

**BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON**

I don't think so!

**KOUGA**

Really? Uh, you see, I'm a 

K-knight of the Round T-t-table and- 

**LEFT HEAD**

Then I must kill you!!

**RIGHT HEAD**

Why can't I do it?

**MIDDLE HEAD**

I don't think either of you should.

**RIGHT HEAD**

Does it matter what YOU think?

**LEFT HEAD**

It matters what I think, 

and I think we kill him!

**MIDDLE HEAD**

Let's just be nice to him, for once! 

Every time there's a traveler in this forest it's always 'kill him' 

and 'burn him alive' and 'let's make a stew out of him'!

**RIGHT HEAD**

Shut up! Who asked for YOUR opinion?!

**KOUGA**

Maybe I should just-

**LEFT HEAD**

Oh, yeah, you. Hurry up and get the bloody sword out, 

I want to chop his head off!

**RIGHT HEAD**

Go chop your OWN head off, you big bully!

**MIDDLE HEAD**

Yes, do us all a favor!

**LEFT HEAD**

What?

**RIGHT HEAD**

What do you mean, 'what'? 

You're always 'kill', 'maim', 'destroy'!

**MIDDLE HEAD**

Oh, you're lucky! You're not next to him!

**LEFT HEAD**

What the hell do you mean?!

**MIDDLE HEAD**

You snore every single night!

**LEFT HEAD**

At least I'm not the one with bad breath!

**MIDDLE HEAD**

That's because you don't brush my teeth!

KOUGA and his MINSTREL sneak away quietly.

**RIGHT HEAD**

Oh, stop whining and let's go have tea.

**LEFT HEAD**

Oh, all right. We'll kill him 

and then have tea and biscuits.

**MIDDLE HEAD**

But no biscuits!

**LEFT HEAD**

Fine, no biscuits. 

But let's kill him anyway.

**BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON**

Right!

(they turn to look at the spot where Kouga was, but he is long gone)

Where'd the bugger go?!

_Deeper in the forest_

**MINSTREL**

(singing)

Brave Sir Kouga ran away!

**KOUGA**

No!

**MINSTREL**

(singing)

He bravely ran away! Away!

**KOUGA**

I didn't!

**MINSTREL**

(still singing)

When danger reared it's ugly head he 

bravely turned his tail and fled!

**KOUGA**

You've got it all wrong!

**MINSTREL**

(still singing)

Yes, brave Sir Kouga turned about...

**KOUGA**

I swear I didn't!

**MINSTREL**

(still singing)

...and gallantly he chickened out, 

taking to his feet...

**KOUGA**

I never did!

**MINSTREL**

(still singing)

...and bore a very brave retreat!!

**KOUGA**

All lies!!

**MINSTREL**

(still singing)

Bravest of the brave, Sir Kouga!!

**KOUGA**

I never!!

NOTE:

In "The Trojan Chipmunk", there was some French spoken. Here's the translation!:

_FRENCH                                     _ENGLISH

_Fetchez le vache.                       _ Get the cow.

_Quoi?_                                         Huh?__

_J'aime les arbres. Tu?                 _I like trees. You? 

_Tu es fou. _                                  You are crazy.   

_QUOI?_!                                       WHAT?!


	5. The Castle Cholera and Scene TwentyFour

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

**Part Four**

**I. **The Castle Cholera

**H. **Scene Twenty-Four

FADE IN

EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF

**AUDIENCE**

Argh!! Not again! ... 

No, hold in, it's DARK and raining now!!

(SIR MIROKU trudges alone through the RAIN and THUNDER in the FIELD)

**NARRATOR**

_Sir Miroku rode to the east, where he happened upon this small castle. However, in the sky above the castle, a picture of the Holy Tama appears._

**MIROKU**

Gods above!!

(runs to the door of the castle and pounds on the door)

Open the door!! Open the door!! 

In the name of King Inuyasha open the door!!

The DOOR opens and MIROKU falls inside CLUMSILY. He looks around and doesn't see ANYONE, but then a HEAVENLY voice greets him.

**RANDOM HEAVENLY VOICE**

Hello. Who might you be, 

that has stumbled apon our castle?

SIR MIROKU looks up and sees SANGO dressed in REALLY REALLY SKIMPY CLOTHING, and behind her are about twenty more WOMEN IN SKIMPY CLOTHING. He recognizes one as KAGOME, and another as KIKYO.

**MIROKU**

...Sango?

**SANGO**

Excuse me?

**MIROKU**

What's gotten into you, Sango? 

Why are you wearing such...revealing clothing? 

Not that I mind, but-

**SANGO**

It appears that you know someone who looks like me, 

but I am not this 'Sango' person whom you speak of. 

My name is Desiré.

**MIROKU**

Uhm...right. Anyway, where am I?

**DESIRÉ**

You are in the Castle Cholera.

**MIROKU**

Castle...Cholera?

**DESIRÉ**

Quite. Not a very good name, is it? 

Oh, but we are gentle and we are 

willing to attend to your _every_ need.

**MIROKU**

(blushes)

Umm, yes...well...are you 

the keepers of the Holy Tama?

**DESIRÉ**

The what?

**MIROKU**

The Holy Tama!! 

I saw it in the skies above this very castle!!

**DESIRÉ**

Oh my! You must be delirous! 

You need some rest! Kagome! Kikyo!!

**KAGOME AND KIKYO**

(walk up)

Yes Miss Desiré?

**DESIRÉ**

Prepare a bed for our guest!

**KAGOME AND KIKYO**

Yes oh Desiré!

(they run off down a hall)

**MIROKU**

Uhm...that's great, but I'm not tired just now. 

Could I maybe have a tour of your lovely castle?

**DESIRÉ**

No, no, you need rest. 

The beds here are warm, soft and very, very big.

(winks seductively at him)

**MIROKU**

(on the verge of passing out)

Look, just show me the stupid Tama!

**DESIRÉ**

(ignoring what he said)

Oh, our life must seem very dull and boring compared to yours. We are but eight score young ladies, all between the ages sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oh yes, it's a lonely life...bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome, strong, muscular, sexy knights.

They reach a bed.

**DESIRÉ**

Come, w- er, you may lie here.

(forces him to sit down on the bed)

Oh! But you are wounded!

(gestures to a wound that is on the inside of one of his thighs)

**MIROKU**

Ummm...that's an old wound!! No need to treat it...heh...

**DESIRÉ**

Nonsense!

(claps her hands and Kagome and Kikyo walk up)

Doctors! See to this man immediately!

**MIROKU**

They're doctors?!

**DESIRÉ**

Well...they have a basic medical training...

MIROKU tries to leave, but DESIRÉ forces him to stay on the bed.

**MIROKU**

I'm fine! Really!

DESIRÉ leaves. 

**MIROKU**

Wait! I have seen the Tama! 

It is here in this castle!

**KAGOME**

(giggles)

There aren't any Tamas here, silly!

**MIROKU**

But...but...

**KAGOME**

You need some rest.

**MIROKU**

But... oh, screw it! I gotta get laid!!

(stands up, just as Desiré walks in)

Oh! There you are, Desiré!

**DESIRÉ**

I'm not Desiré, I'm her twin sister, Zut. 

But around here everyone calls me Dingo.

(winks at him)

**MIROKU**

Whatever. You look like Sango and that's all that matters!

(grabs her and kisses her passionately)

Suddenly, the HUGE MOOSE from before drops from the CEILING and lands right behind MIROKU, who seemingly doesn't notice. The MOOSE, looking rather mad, FORCEFULLY tears MIROKU away from DINGO. DINGO looks like she is about to CUSS, and MIROKU looks like he is about to CRY.

**MIROKU**

Oh, come on you stupid moose!! 

This might be the only chance I have

to get someone to bear my child!

**MOOSE**

But that's not in the script!! 

We're trying to keep this thing PG-13, ya know!

**MIROKU**

Damn!! All right. I'll go by the stupid script!

(turns to Dingo)

(whispering)

Meet me back stage after the show.

DINGO nods, and the MOOSE, satisfied with a JOB WELL DONE, EVAPORATES into NOTHINGNESS. 

**MIROKU**

Dingo, I have seen the Holy Tama in this castle!! 

I've seen it, I swear!

**DINGO**

(gasps)

Oh no! Bad Desiré!

**MIROKU**

What's wrong?

**DINGO**

Oh, bad, naughty, evil Desiré! 

She has been setting alight our beacon which, 

I just remembered, is shaped like a Tama. 

It's not the first time we've had this problem!

**MIROKU**

So...it's not the real Tama?!

**DINGO**

Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Desiré! 

I think this scene is turning out well, don't you?

I'm so glad that the authoress decided not the cut this out, 

like she was originally planning to do!

Switch to the previous scene in the FOREST.

**BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON**

Well, ours was better visually!

Switch to the, um, third scene.

**DENNIS**

Well, at least ours was committed! 

It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes!

Switch to field with a large hill.

**ARMY OF KNIGHTS WITH SPEARS AND STUFF**

GET ON WITH IT!!

And now back to the Castle Cholera!

**DINGO**

Okay, okay! Oh, evil, bad, wicked Desiré! 

Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty! 

And here in Castle Cholera we have but 

one punishment for setting alight the Tama-shaped beacon...

you must tie her to a bed and spank her.

**MIROKU**

What?!

**RANDOM LADIES**

A spanking! A spanking!

**DINGO**

And after you spank her you must spank me.

**KAGOME**

And me!

**KIKYO**

And me!

**MIROKU**

(looks at Kikyo)

NO!!

**DINGO**

Okay, not Kikyo. But you 

must spank Desiré, me, and Kagome.

**MIROKU**

Really now? Well...I guess I could stay a bit longer-

Suddenly, Sesshomaru bursts through the crowd of ladies.

**SESSHOMARU**

Sir Miroku! What are you doing?!

**MIROKU**

Hm? Oh! Hello there! 

**SESSHOMARU**

Quick! We must escape! 

You are in great peril!

**MIROKU**

No I'm not!! 

**SESSHOMARU**

Oh yes you are!!

**DINGO**

Well if he's in such great peril then why are YOU here?! 

You ruined the scene!

**SESSHOMARU**

Silence foul temptress! Let's go!

**MIROKU**

NO! I WANNA STAY!!!

**SESSHOMARU**

If you don't come with me that 

moose will drop from the ceiling again...

**MIROKU**

Aww!! All right!!

**DINGO**

No! Please stay with us Sir Miroku! 

I will bear your child!!

**OTHER LADIES**

And so will I!!

**MIROKU**

(in a trance)

Really? Well-

**SESSHOMARU**

Argh!! Come on!! 

(drags Miroku out of the castle, with the ladies running after them)

**DINGO**

No! Wait! He can handle us all single handedly!

**LADIES**

Yes! Let him handle us all single handedly!

**MIROKU**

Honestly, Sesshomaru!! Let me handle them! 

They haven't got a chance!

**DINGO**

Yes! We haven't got a chance!! He'll beat us easily!

**LADIES**

We haven't got a chance!! We haven't got a chance!! 

**SESSHOMARU**

Oh good grief!!

They dash out of the door of the castle, leaving the crowd of ladies at the door.

**DINGO**

Oh...shit!

_Outside_

**SESSHOMARU**

Thank God I got there in the nick of time! 

You were in terrible danger!

**MIROKU**

I don't think I was.

**SESSHOMARU**

Yes you were, you were 

in a great deal of peril.

**MIROKU**

Well, let me go back and face the peril.

**SESSHOMARU**

No no, it's too perilous.

**MIROKU**

Look, it's my duty as a knight to 

sample as much peril as I can!

**SESSHOMARU**

No, we've got to find the Holy Tama!

**MIROKU**

Oh, can't I have just a LITTLE bit of peril?

**SESSHOMARU**

No, it's unhealty.

**MIROKU**

I'll bet you're gay!

**SESSHOMARU**

No I'm not!

**MIROKU**

Then why the long hair? And the makeup! And the boa?!

**SESSHOMARU**

The girls think long hair is sexy, this 'makeup' 

is demon marks, and this is my TAIL you IMBECILE!

**MIROKU**

But Kouga is a demon and he doesn't have 

weird stripes and moons and eye shadow!

**SESSHOMARU**

Okay, okay, the moon is not my fault, but I painted 

on the stripes because I thought that they looked cool! And 

I don't know what you're talking about with the 'eye shadow'. 

**MIROKU**

That red stuff above your eyes!

**SESSHOMARU**

That? My eyes are always irritated when I'm around humans. 

**MIROKU**

Okay...whatever. But what about the kimono?

**SESSHOMARU**

This is FIGHTING HAKAMA!! GOOD LORD!! 

WHAT'S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?!****

**NARRATOR**

_And so, Sir Sesshomaru had saved Sir Miroku from most certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Holy Tama. Meanwhile, King Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippo, and Sir/Madam Sango, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-_

Switch to field with a large hill.

**ARMY OF KNIGHTS WITH SPEARS AND STUFF**

GET ON WITH IT!!

**NARRATOR**

_Oh, fine! Anyway, on to scene Twenty-Four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which King Inuyasha discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a starling somewhere in the backgr- AIGH!_

The NARRATOR is suddenly attacked by a HUGE SNARLING RABID GORRILLA. On with the scene!

FADE IN

EXT. A FIELD WITH A SMALL SHACK IN THE MIDDLE

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, and SANGO are sitting on the ground inside of the SMALL SHACK around a FIRE. Across from them is KIKYO, who is GIGGLING MADLY. INUYASHA appears to be worried for KIKYO's SANITY, KAGOME is glaring at KIKYO and planning to KILL HER, and SHIPPO and SANGO are acting NORMAL)

**INUYASHA**

...Kikyo, are you all right?

**KIKYO**

Hee he ha hee haa heheeheee!!!

**SANGO**

And this enchanter of whom you speak, 

has he seen the Tama?

**KIKYO**

Ha ha ha hee he ha hee he ahe aha haha aha!

**KAGOME**

(mumbling)

You will die soon, you giggling bitch...

**SANGO**

Where does he live?

**KIKYO**

Yee he he he hee heeee heeaahaha!

**SANGO**

Dammit, WHERE DOES HE LIVE?!****

**KIKYO**

ha hee he...he knows of a cave, a cave

which no man has entered!

**SHIPPO**

Finally!

**SANGO**

Quiet! And the Tama is there?

**KIKYO**

There is much danger, for beyond the cave 

lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, 

which no man has ever crossed!

**SANGO**

But the Tama! Where is the Tama?

**KIKYO**

Seek you the Bridge of Death.

**SANGO**

The Bridge of Death...

which leads to the Tama?!

**KIKYO**

Eha hee hee haa heahe haaaheehehahehahaheha!!

KIKYO, the SMALL SHACK, and everything else except for the FIRE disappears, and INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO and SANGO find themselves in the middle of a DEEP DARK CREEPY FOREST.

**INUYASHA**

KIKYO!!

**KAGOME**

GET BACK HERE, BITCH!!

**SANGO**

Well, that was strange.

**SHIPPO**

Why are we in a forest?

They walk through the FOREST, until they suddenly come apon a group of KNIGHTS, one which was CONSIDERABLY TALLER than the OTHERS.

**TALL KNIGHT**

NNNNIIII!!!

**OTHER KNIGHTS**

Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!

**INUYASHA**

Who are you?

**TALL KNIGHT**

We are the Knights who say...NNNIII!!

**OTHER KNIGHTS**

Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!

**SANGO**

(fearfully)

No!! Not the Knights Who Say NNNIII!!

**TALL KNIGHT**

The same!

**KAGOME**

Who are they?

**TALL KNIGHT**

We are the keepers of the sacred words: 

Nnniii, Peng, and Nnnuu-womm!

**SANGO**

Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

**SHIPPO**

So how do you know about them?

**SANGO**

Umm...I'm telepathic.

**SHIPPO**

Huh?

**HEAD KNIGHT**

The Knights Who Say Nnnniii demand a sacrifice!

**INUYASHA**

Oh Knights of Nnniii, we are but simple 

travelers who wish to find the enchanter 

that lives beyond these woods.

**TALL KNIGHT**

We don't care! Nnnniii! Nnniii!

**OTHER KNIGHTS**

Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!

The unending Nnniii's hurt INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, and SANGO.

**INUYASHA**

Ah! Ow! Stop! Please! What do you want?

**TALL KNIGHT**

We want...a SHRUBBERY!!

**KAGOME**

(sarcastically)

Oh dear Lord no, not a shrubbery!

**TALL KNIGHT**

Oh, shut up! Nnniii!

**OTHER KNIGHTS**

Nnnniii! Nnnniii!! Nnniii!

**INUYASHA**

All right!! Fine! We'll get you a shrubbery!

**TALL KNIGHT**

Make sure it's a nice one.

**INUYASHA**

Right.

**TALL KNIGHT**

And not to expensive.

**INUYASHA**

Fine! Come on, let's go find that shrubbery!

They ride off to find a shrubbery.


	6. An Ordeal At Swamp Castle

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

This scene is rather long (alone it takes up 155 kilobytes!) so it alone will be in this chapter, okay?

**Part Five**

**K. **An Ordeal at Swamp Castle

FADE IN

EXT. A ROOM AT THE TOP OF THE TALLEST TOWER OF A HUGE CASTLE                                                                                                                               IN THE MIDDLE OF A SWAMP

(MANTEN, dressed in prince's outfit, sits in a CHAIR while HITEN, dressed in an ASSORTMENT OF FURS, appears to yell at MANTEN.)

**HITEN******

One day, lad, this will all be yours.

(gestures out the window to the swamp)

**MANTEN******

What, the curtains?

**HITEN******

No, not the curtains, lad. 

All that you can see, stretched out over the 

hills and valleys of this land! 

This'll be your kingdom, lad, trust me.

**MANTEN******

But mother-

**HITEN******

Father, lad. How many times must I tell you?!

**MANTEN******

I don't want any of that!

**HITEN******

Listen here. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was here was swamp. Other kings said it was silly shit to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em who's boss. ... It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. ... That sank into the swamp, too… So I built a third one. It burned down, fell over, and then it sank into the swamp. But the fourth one…stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these parts!

**MANTEN******

But, you see, I don't want any of that! 

I'd rather... I'd rather...

**HITEN******

You'd rather what?

**MANTEN******

I'd rather...sing!

Music starts playing in the background.

**HITEN******

Stop that! Stop that!

The music abruptly stops.

You're not going to sing at all while I'm around! 

Now, you're going to get married to a girl whose 

father has the biggest tracts of open 

land for miles around!

**MANTEN******

But why would I want land?

**HITEN******

Listen, Hubert-

**MANTEN******

It's Herbert.

**HITEN******

Yeah, whatever. We live in a bloody SWAMP! 

We need all the land we can get!

**HERBERT**

But I don't like her!

**HITEN******

Why wouldn't you like her? 

She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got huge...

(pauses)

...tracts of land...

**HERBERT**

But the girl I want to marry 

has to have a certain...special something!!

Music starts to play.

**HITEN******

Stop that! Stop that!

The music abruptly stops.

Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky so get used to it!

(storms out of the room)

Guards!!

The SOUL PIPER and the NOH MASK walk up, decked out in ARMOR and FLOWERS and stuff.

**HITEN******

Make sure the Prince doesn't 

leave this room until I come and get him.

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**SOUL PIPER**

Right. Not to leave the 

room even if you come and get him.

**HITEN**

No, no, no. You stay in the 

room and make sure he doesn't leave.

**SOUL PIPER**

And you'll come and get him.

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

Right.

**SOUL PIPER **

 We don't need to do anything, 

apart from just stop him entering the room.

**HITEN******

No, no, leaving the room.

**SOUL PIPER**

Leaving the room. Yes. 

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

All right.

**SOUL PIPER**

Right.

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

Right.

**SOUL PIPER **

Oh, by the way...

**HITEN******

Yes, what is it?****

**SOUL PIPER**

Oh...if...if I...I...oh...

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

(sighs)

Look, it's quite simple. 

You just stay here and make sure 

he doesn't leave the room. Got it?

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

I'll take that as a yes.

**SOUL PIPER **

Oh, I remember now. 

Can he leave the room with us?

**HITEN******

No, no no, you just keep 

him in here and make sure he-

**SOUL PIPER**

No, what I mean is if he 

HAD to leave and we were with him-

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

(frustrated)

No, no no no no! 

Just keep him in here-

**SOUL PIPER**

Until you, or anyone else-

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

No, not anyone else, just me.

**SOUL PIPER **

Just you.

**HITEN******

Until I get back.

**SOUL PIPER**

Until you get back

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

All right?

**SOUL PIPER **

Right. We'll just stay here until you get back.

**HITEN******

Yes, but make sure he doesn't leave.

**SOUL PIPER**

What?

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

Make sure he doesn't leave!

**SOUL PIPER **

Who, the Prince?

**HITEN******

(annoyed)

Yes. Make sure he doesn't leave. At all.

**SOUL PIPER**

Oh yes, of course. See, I thought you meant him.

(points at the NOH MASK)

You know, it seemed a bit stupid for 

me to guard him when he's a guard himself.

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

(twitching eyebrow)

I see. Is that CLEAR?

**SOUL PIPER **

Crystal. No problems. None at all.

**HITEN******

Good.

(begins to walk away. The guards try to follow him)

**HITEN******

What the hell?!

**SOUL PIPER **

We're coming with you!

**HITEN******

NO!! JUST STAY HERE AND 

MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T LEAVE? **GOT IT**?!

**SOUL PIPER**

Um...yes.

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HERBERT**

But father!!

**HITEN******

Oh, be quiet and get that suit on! 

And NO SINGING!!

**NOH MASK**

Hic!

**HITEN******

Oh, go and get a glass of water or something!

(leaves)

**HERBERT**

Ho hum. 

(spots a piece of paper and a pen)

(moves slowly toward it)

(looks at the guards)

**GUARDS**

^_____^

**HERBERT**

(watches the guards and quickly writes something down on the paper)

**GUARDS**

^_____^

**HERBERT**

(slowly moves towards a bow and arrow, ties note to arrow, shoots it out window)

**GUARDS**

^_____^

**HERBERT**

Wow, that was easy. 

(Meanwhile, just outside of SWAMP CASTLE, SIR SESSHOMARU is walking along conversing with his companion JAKEN)

**JAKEN******

Lord Sesshomaru, why are 

we walking through a swamp?

**SESSHOMARU**

Because I sense danger this way!

**JAKEN******

All right, but-

(is suddenly struck in the chest by an arrow)

Aigh!! Message for you, Sire!

(JAKEN faints)

**SESSHOMARU**

(takes the note and lets Jaken drop to the ground, presumably dead)

(reads)

"To whoever finds this note: my father, who wishes me to marry against my will, has imprisoned me. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tallest tower of Swamp Castle. You know, the one that's slowly sinking into the swamp."

(crumples the note and unsheathes his sword)

Finally!! A cry of distress!! 

This could be the exact sign that leads us to the Holy Tama! 

Sweet, sweet Jaken, your death shall not have been in vain!

**JAKEN******

(wakes up)

Umm...I'm afraid I'm not dead yet, Sire!

**SESSHOMARU**

(curses under his breath)

Well...then your near mortal wounding 

shall not have been in vain!

**JAKEN******

I think I might pull through, 

Lord Sesshomaru!

**SESSHOMARU**

Whatever. Your accident 

will not be in vain!

**JAKEN******

I think I might be well enough to 

go with you, sire!

**SESSHOMARU**

No no no! Dear Jaken! 

You stay here and I will send help as soon 

as I have accomplished a daring and herioc 

rescue in my own...umm..

**JAKEN******

Idiom?

**SESSHOMARU**

Idiom! Right! I'll come back as 

soon as possible!

**JAKEN******

Whatever.

Sesshomaru rides off.

Hm. What can I do until he gets back? 

(Meanwhile, inside the castle, Kikyo converses with a bunch of the Harem girls from the Castle Cholera)

(Outside of the castle gates, two guards decked out in flowers instead of armor greet guests. They see Sir Sesshomaru running toward them, but he doesn't seem to be making any head way. Suddenly, he bursts onto the scene, destroying the guards with his energy whip.)

**SESSHOMARU**

Right. 

(runs into the castle and dashes through the crowd, beheading random people. He soon reaches the room that Herbert is in)

**SOUL PIPER**

Hey, you can't come in-

**SESSHOMARU**

Shaddup!

(kills him and the NOH MASK with his ENERGY WHIP)

(runs and KNEELS at the FEET of HERBERT)

**HERBERT**

You came to rescue me!

(SESSHOMARU jumps up, suprized)

**SESSHOMARU**

Umm...you?

**HERBERT**

Yes! You got my note!

**SESSHOMARU**

Well, I did get a note, but-

**HERBERT**

What is your name, great rescuer?

**SESSHOMARU**

Er...Sir Sesshomaru, the brave and 

almightily good looking, of the Round Table.

**HERBERT**

(gasps)

Saved by a Knight of the Round Table!

HITEN bursts into the ROOM.

**HITEN******

There you are! I've been looking 

all over for you, you barbarian!

**SESSHOMARU**

What?

**HITEN******

You killed all the guards! Fifty-four guests! 

You even kicked the bride in the chest!

**SESSHOMARU**

I did NOT kick ANYONE!

**HITEN******

Well...someone did. But that's not the point! 

You killed all the guards!! 

They aren't CHEAP to replace!

**SESSHOMARU**

Sorry...I guess I got a little overzealous...

**HITEN******

A LITTLE?

**SESSHOMARU**

Okay...a bit.

**HERBERT**

(gathers up a rope and ties it to his bed)

Come on Sir Knight! Let's escape!!

(lowers himself out of the window)

**HITEN******

Knight, eh? Who are you?

**SESSHOMARU**

Sir Sesshomaru, the brave and 

almightily good looking, of the Round Table.

**HERBERT**

Come on, you can take him on!

**HITEN******

(thinks)

How did you happen upon this castle?

**HERBERT**

(tugs on the rope)

Come on!

**SESSHOMARU**

Well, you see, I got a note 

from your son and I thought he was a lady...

**HITEN******

I don't blame you. Sometimes I do that myself.

**HERBERT**

Hurry!!

**HITEN******

Excuse me for a second. 

(cuts the rope with a knife)

**HERBERT**

Ooooh...

**HITEN******

Come on now, let's go have some 

tea and I'll introduce you to the guests.

HITEN and SESSHOMARU leave the ROOM and go DOWNSTAIRS.

**GUESTS**

(sobbing in sorrow)

**HITEN******

(coming down the stairs with Sesshomaru behind him)

I'm pleased to announce that 

Sir Sesshomaru the Brave of Camelot is h-

**GUESTS**

THAT'S HIM!!!

**HITEN******

Eh?

**GUESTS**

THAT'S THE GUY!

**HITEN******

What are you talking about?

**RANDOM GUEST #7**

He killed my Auntie!

**SESSHOMARU**

I think I only killed men. 

Did your Auntie happen to have a beard?

**RANDOM GUEST #7**

HOW DARE YOU!!

**HITEN******

Please, please!! This is supposed to be a 

HAPPY occasion! We are here to celebrate the union 

of two young lovebirds in holy matrimony!

(awkward silence)

Unfortunately, one of them, my son Hubert... 

or was it Herbert? Anyway, he died just now...

**KIKYO**

(bursts into tears)

**EVERYONE ELSE**

(sweatdrops)

**HITEN******

But, I would not like to think of this tragic 

event as the loss of a son so much as the 

gaining of a daughter! Since the tragic death of her dear father-

**RANDOM GUEST**

(attending to her father)

He's alive!!

**HITEN******

(annoyed)

Er, since the near fatal wounding of her father-

**RANDOM GUEST**

I think he might pull through!

**HITEN******

(motions at one of his remaining guards, who makes his way toward the father, sword drawn)

Since her father, who seem that he 

would pull through but was suddenly, tragically 

struck by the icy hand of death, died...

The guard kills the father.

**GUESTS**

(sob and shriek)

**HITEN******

...I would like for the Princess to think 

of me as her own dad in a very real... 

and legally binding sense. 

**GUESTS**

(murmur suspiciously)

**HITEN******

And thus, with the marriage of the Princess 

and this brave, rich, brave knight-

**SESSHOMARU**

WHAT?!

Suddenly, HERBERT appears in the DOORWAY looking a little BRUISED but otherwise FINE.

**HERBERT**

I'm NOT dead!!

**KIKYO**

(runs up and glomps him)

THANK GOD!!

**SESSHOMARU**

(looks relieved)

Thank God...I don't have to marry that skank!

**HITEN******

ARGH!!! NO!!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE? 

YOU FELL OUT OF THE BLOODY TALL TOWER!!!

**HERBERT**

At the last second, I was saved!!

**HITEN******

How?

**HERBERT**

I'll tell you!

MUSIC plays and HERBERT jumps onto a TABLE.

**HITEN******

Nonononono!! Not THAT way!

**GUESTS**

(singing)

He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

**HITEN******

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

(clamps his HANDS over his EARS)

JAKEN arrives suddenly.

**SESSHOMARU**

Jaken!! You are alive! God be praised!

**JAKEN******

Lord Sesshomaru, I think we should leave!

**SESSHOMARU**

Right! But first I must carry out a bold and 

dangerous escape in my own...umm...

**JAKEN******

Style?

**SESSHOMARU**

Yes! Brilliant! In my own style!

(grabs onto a rope nearby and swings over the guests, only to hit a wall and swing back)

Umm...could someone give me a push?


	7. The Knights Who Until Now Said Nnniii AN...

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

**Part Six**

**L. **The Knights Who Until Now Said Nnniii!

**M. **The Holy Hand Grenade!

FADE IN

EXT. AN OLD RENAISSANCE STYLE VILLAGE

**AUDIENCE**

You'd think that they would use some other scenery...

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO and SANGO are searching a village for a SHRUBBERY. An OLD WOMAN who is BEATING A CAT AGAINST THE SIDE OF HER BUILDING attracts their ATTENTION.)

**INUYASHA**

Excuse me, old woman...

**KAEDE-BABA**

What do you want?

(whacks the CAT against the BUILDING a few more TIMES)

**CAT**

MROWR!! MROWR!! MROWR!!

**KAGOME**

Umm...could you stop that?

**KAEDE-BABA**

Oh, fine!

(stops and lets the CAT crawl to SAFETY)

**INUYASHA**

 Would you happen to know where 

we could find a shrubbery?

**KAEDE-BABA**

(gasps)

Who sent you?!

**SANGO**

The Knights Who Say...Nnniii!

**KAEDE-BABA**

No! No! Not the Knights Who Say Nnniii!

**SANGO**

The same. 

**INUYASHA**

Now would you be so kind as to tell us 

where we can find a shrubbery?

**KAEDE-BABA**

No! Never! No shrubbery!

**INUYASHA**

Fine then...nnniii!

**KAEDE-BABA**

Augh!! No!! NO SHRUBBERY I TELL YOU!!

**SHIPPO AND KAGOME**

Nnniii! Nnniii!

**INUYASHA**

Nnniii!

**SANGO**

Nnnnuuu!

**INUYASHA**

No no, it's 'Nnniii' not 'Nnnuu'.

**SANGO**

Oh. Nnniii!

**SHIPPO AND KAGOME**

Nnniii! Nnniii!

**INUYASHA**

Nnniii!

**KAEDE-BABA**

Augh!! Stop please!!

**INUYASHA**

Then tell us where we can 

find a bloody shrubbery!

**KAEDE-BABA**

NEVER!!

**SHIPPO AND KAGOME**

Nnniii! Nnniii!

**INUYASHA**

Nnniii!

HACHI, dragging a CART CONVENIENTLY FULL OF SHRUBBERIES, enters.

**HACHI**

Are you saying 'Nnniii' to that old woman?

**SHIPPO**

Why yes we are!

**HACHI**

Such dark and dismal times we live in, 

that a bunch of random people can say 'Nnniii' 

to an old woman at will!! Nothing is sacred, 

not even the art of shrubbery making...

**INUYASHA**

I'm sorry, did you say 'shrubbery making'?

**HACHI**

Why yes I did! Shrubberies are my trade.

 I am a shrubber. 

My name is Hachi the Shrubber. 

Shrubbering is my hobby. 

I arrange and design shrubberies.

**SANGO**

NNNIII!!

**INUYASHA**

No! No!

_A while later, back in the __FOREST__ with the KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII..._

**INUYASHA**

Oh Knights Who Say Nnniii, 

we have brought you your shrubbery!

**TALL KNIGHT**

(looks over the shrubbery)

It is a nice one, inexpensive but still stylish. 

I especially like the lavendar. 

But there is one problem!

**INUYASHA**

(sighs)

What's that?

**TALL KNIGHT**

We are no longer the Knights Who Say Nnniii. 

We are now the Knights Who Say... 

Eecky eecky eecky eecky b kang zoop boing blahfrodeman.

**INUYASHA**

Eh?

**RANDOM KNIGHT**

NNNIII!!

**TALL KNIGHT**

Shut up! Now then, you'll have to 

pass a test to get past us.

**INUYASHA**

Oh Knights Who...until now said Nnniii, 

what is this test?

**TALL KNIGHT**

You must find...

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!

**INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO AND SANGO**

(groan)

NOT AGAIN!!

**TALL KNIGHT**

Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you

must bring it here and place it beside this one,

only slightly higher so you get that cool two-level

effect with a little path running down the middle.

And then you must cut down the MIGHTIEST tree in the forest ... 

with...

A HERRING!!!

**KAGOME, AND SHIPPO**

WHAT?!

**INUYASHA**

You're a raving lunatic!

**SANGO**

Preposterous!! It can't be done!

**TALL KNIGHT**

Yes it can!

**SANGO**

No it can't! You can't cut PAPER with a 

HERRING, much less a FREAKIN' HUGE TREE!! 

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!

**TALL KNIGHT**

Okay...maybe it IS impossible! 

But YOU still have to do it!

**INUYASHA**

Well, why do we have to do it?!

**TALL KNIGHT**

(seems to be injured and holds his head)

Don't ... say ... that ... that WORD!!

**INUYASHA**

What? What word is it?

**TALL KNIGHT**

ARGH!! Stop saying that word!!

**INUYASHA**

Tell me what it is, then!

**TALL KNIGHT**

No, I can't say the word!

**INUYASHA**

How will I know not to say it 

if you won't tell me what it is?!

**TALL KNIGHT**

STOP IT!! STOP IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

**INUYASHA**

What "is"?

**TALL KNIGHT**

How many people can get 

through life not saying 'is'?

**INUYASHA**

Not many, I suppose.

**KAGOME**

Hey look! It's Sir Kouga!!

SIR KOUGA comes TROTTING UP to our HEROES and the KNIGHTS WHO USED TO SAY NNNIII.

**INUYASHA**

Sir Kouga! Hello! 

What are you doing around these parts?

**MINSTREL**

Sir Kouga ran away!! He bravely ran away! There was a giant three headed beast and he could of slain it and had a feast, but in stead he turned his tail and fled! Brave brave Sir Kouga!

**KOUGA**

(hits the MINSTREL on the HEAD)

WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

**INUYASHA**

Have you had any luck in 

finding the Holy Tama?

**KOUGA**

None at all, my leige. 

I am deeply sorry that I couldn't find it.

**KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII**

ARGH!! STOP SAYING 

THE WORD YOU BUGGERS!

**KOUGA**

What? Who are these clowns?

**INUYASHA**

It's a long story...

I don't have time to tell it...

**KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII**

AUGH!!

**INUYASHA**

Let's get going. I think I have 

a vague idea where the Tama is.

**KAGOME, SANGO AND SHIPPO**

IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT 

IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT!!!!!!!!!

**KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII**

ARGH!!!

(they die)

**INUYASHA**

Wait, if the word was 'it'... what the heck? 

They must have used that word 

fifteen million times before? Oh well...

They LEAVE.

The GHOST OF THE TALL KNIGHT appears RANDOMLY.

**GHOST OF THE TALL KNIGHT**

I'll get them for this!! 

Oh... stupid weakness to that WORD!! 

I couldn't do anything to stop it!! AUGH!! 

I SAID IT!! AGH!! I SAID IT AGAIN!!! AIEEEEE!!!

**NARRATOR**

_And so, the six set off to find the Holy Tama. Beyond the forest they met _

_Sir Sesshomaru and Sir Miroku, and there was much rejoicing. They treked off across the land, and somehow found themselves in the frozen __land__ of __Nador__. Caught in a snowdrift, they were forced to eat Kouga's minstrel. And there was much rejoicing. Winter's icy grip finally relaxed, and the snows melted as Spring came along. The troupe set off in search of the enchanter that Kikyo had spoken of in scene Twenty-Four. They walked and walked and walked...and then just for fun, they WALKED SOME MORE!! Spring changed into Summer, and Summer changed into Winter. Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight into Autumn. Until one day..._

FADE IN

EXT. A ROCKY CANYON-ESQUE LAND

**AUDIENCE**

Yay! New scenery!

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, KOUGA, JAKEN, and THEIR HORSE-PEOPLE WITH COCONUTS ride through a rocky areas, when suddenly they see an ENCHANTER standing on A MOUNTAIN and making various EXPLOSIONS form all around. The ENCHANTER blows more STUFF up for FUN, and then he BLOWS HIMSELF UP and appears in front of THE TROUPE)

**INUYASHA**

Ummm...do you know an 

enchanter that lives around here?

**NARAKU**

I am the enchanter. Why?

**INUYASHA**

(sighs)

I should have known... all right, are you 

Naraku, Dennis or Jean-Claude?

**NARAKU**

What in the world are you talking about? 

I am Tim the Enchanter.

**EVERYONE**

Hello Tim the Enchanter!!

**TIM**

Lively bunch you've got there...

anyway, hello to you too, King Inuyasha!

**INUYASHA**

Wow, how did you know my name?

**TIM**

I know much that is hidden...

and I looked at the script.

**INUYASHA**

Ah...

**TIM**

You and your companions 

seek the Holy Grail, correct?

**INUYASHA**

No no, we seek the Holy Tama.

**TIM**

Are you SURE it's not the Holy Grail?

**INUYASHA**

No, I'm pretty sure it's the Tama. 

We already discussed this with God. 

The title of this thing is 'Inuyasha and the Holy Tama'. 

**TIM**

Whatever. Anyway, I can help you find this Tama. 

I know where it is!

**INUYASHA**

Would you happen to have a map?

**TIM**

No, you'll just have to follow me!! 

There is a cave, a cave of wonders! 

It contains treasures beyond your wildest dreams!!

A large CAMEL drops from the SKY and lands on TIM's HEAD. He MAGICALLY reappears BESIDE THE CAMEL and NO ONE IS HURT.

**CAMEL**

This ain't Aladdin, so stick to the script!!

**TIM**

Okay! Okay!

**EVERYONE ELSE**

(looking clueless)

**SANGO**

A camel this time?

**TIM**

Watch more Disney.

With those words, the CAMEL vanishes into THIN AIR.

**INUYASHA**

So anyway, about this cave...

**TIM**

Oh yeah!! It is the cave of Caerbannorg, 

which no man has ever entered alive!! 

Inside the cave there are ancient and mystic runes 

carved upon the living rock-

**INUYASHA**

Umm, if no man has ever entered alive, 

then why do you know?

**TIM**

I AM AN ENCHANTER!! DUH!! 

**INUYASHA**

Okay! Okay! Don't have a hissy fit!

**TIM**

(clears his throat)

As I was saying, there, the last words of 

Joseph of Arimethea make plain the last 

resting place of the most holy Tama. 

**INUYASHA**

Okey dokey then! Let's go!

**TIM**

But first, I must warn you! The Cave of Caerbannorg is guarded by a vicious beast! It has collected the bones of almost fifty men! So, if you are not men... and women of valor then come no further!! For DEATH awaits you at the entrance to the Cave of Caerbannorg with cute little hands and small, sharp, pointy teeth!

**EVERYONE**

(sweatdrop)

Okaaaaay...

(Later, TIM, INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU,  KOUGA, JAKEN and THEIR HORSE-PEOPLES are walking toward the cave on the other side of some ROCKS.)

**HORSE-PEOPLES**

NEIGH!! NEIGH!!

**INUYASHA**

They're spooked... I guess we have 

leave them here and go on foot. DISMOUNT!

Everyone pretends to dismount a horse.

They soon reach the cave.

**TIM**

THAT is the Cave of Caerbannorg!

**KOUGA**

That must be why that sign says 

'Welcome to the Cave of Caerbannorg', right?

**TIM**

SHUT UP!!

(gasps and points)

THE BEAST!!!

(cowers behind Inuyasha)

EVERYONE looks to see a little girl with BLACK HAIR and an ORANGE LIKE KIMONO sitting outside of the cave playing some sort of WEIRD GAME.

**SESSHOMARU**

Oh my goodness!! 

That little girl will be eaten by the beast!!

**TIM**

(stops him from going out there)

No no no!! It IS the beast!

**INUYASHA**

What, the girl?

**KAGOME**

Are you sure?

**TIM**

Yes!! She is the foulest, meanest, 

most evil, most ANNOYING little girl 

you've ever set your eyes on!

RIN looks over at them CUTELY and they all go 'AWWWW!!'

**KOUGA**

Geez! You got us all worked up 

over a kawaii little girl? Good grief!!

**TIM**

No no no! You've got it all wrong!! 

That girl has a vicious streak a mile wide!

**INUYASHA**

Come on guys, let's go into the cave!

**TIM**

I'm warning you!

**INUYASHA**

Geez! All right, if you're so SCARED of a LITTLE GIRL, 

then why don't we let Bors go talk to her?

A WOLF DEMON, aka BORS, runs out and approaches RIN.

**RIN**

Hello there! 

**BORS******

Are you guarding this cave?

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

Because I want to know!

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

Because my friends want to know!

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

Because we want to go in the cave.

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

Because we want to find the Holy Tama.

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

Because we're on a quest to find the Holy Tama.

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

Because God told us to.

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

I don't know. Go ask him yourself.

(irritated)

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

(eyebrow twitching)

Because YOU are asking!!

**RIN**

Why?

**BORS******

ARGH!!

(he explodes)

EVERYONE cringes.

**TIM**

I told you!! I told you!! 

**INUYASHA**

Oh, shut up! Let's go! CHARGE!!

INUYASHA and all the KNIGHTS charge at RIN. RIN smiles and starts singing.

**RIN**

THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS!! 

YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!! 

**INUYASHA**

RUN AWAY!!

**THE OTHER KNIGHTS**

RUN AWAY!!

ECTOR and GAWAIN, two KNIGHTS that were UNIMPORTANT anyway, EXPLODE from the incredibly ANNOYING song.

**INUYASHA**

Right, how many did we lose?

**MIROKU**

Five sir. Bors, Ector and Gawain.

**INUYASHA**

That's three, you idiot!

**SANGO**

Well, now what?

We probably shouldn't risk another frontal attack..

**KOUGA**

Maybe it would get confused if we ran away?

**INUYASHA**

No.

**SESSHOMARU**

Why don't we taunt it?

**INUYASHA**

No. I know! Do we have any 

weapons of mass destruction?

**SANGO**

Just the Holy Hand Grenade.

**INUYASHA**

Of course!! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 

Brother Maynard, bring the Holy Hand Grenade!

On the CLIFF above, NARAKU, in BROWN ROBES, nods, and picks up a RATHER LARGE TRUNK. Two MONKS march behind him and CHANT.

**MONKS**

Eee yay yeesu do ne ven..

(they knock themselves in the head with boards they are carrying)

Doh nai eeh yes requiem!

(they hit themselves in the head with the boards again, and repeat this cycle until BROTHER MAYNARD reaches the BOTTOM OF THE HILL)

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

I present to you...the Holy Hand Grenade!

(opens the trunk and reveals a large golden egg with a cross on it)

**INUYASHA**

Why do we always seem to run into you?

**BROTHER MAYNARD (NARAKU)**

I don't know what you're talking about.

**INUYASHA**

(shrugs, and takes the Holy Hand Grenade)

Umm...how do you use it?

**EVERYONE**

(facefaults)

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

(points to one of the monks, who reaches into his brown robes and produces an old, dusty book)

Read the passage, if you would please.

**MONK**

(reads)

"Joe threw Sally onto the bed and then passionately kissed her, while ripping the clothes off of her and-"

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

OUT OF THE BOOK OF ARMAMENTS!!!

**MONK**

(blushes, and gets ANOTHER book out of his robes)

"And Saint Antioch raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-"

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

Er, you can skip some of it.

**MONK**

(clears his throat)

"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen.

**EVERYONE**

Amen.

**INUYASHA**

Now then...

(takes the Holy Hand Grenade from Brother Maynard, and pulls out the pin)

One, two, five!

**SANGO**

Three sir!

**INUYASHA**

Three!

(chucks the Holy Hand Grenade at Rin, who picks it up, curious)

**BOOOM****!**

Rin explodes.

**INUYASHA**

Well, that takes care of that.

**SESSHOMARU**

DIE YOU BASTARD!!

(attempts to kill INUYASHA, only to have SANGO AND MIROKU restrain him)

**INUYASHA**

What?! I got her out of the way!

**SESSHOMARU**

She was just an INNOCENT CHILD!! 

You didn't have to BLOW HER UP!

**SANGO**

LET'S JUST GO IN THE CAVE ALREADY!!!

**EVERYONE**

Okay, okay.

Everyone but TIM goes into the cave, ignoring the HEAVY BREATHING that sounds a lot like DARTH VADER coming from somewhere INSIDE THE CAVE.

**SHIPPO**

Hey!! Look look look!

(they all turn to look to see SHIPPO pointing at some SCRATCHES on the WALL. They appear to be LETTERS)

**INUYASHA**

GOOD WORK PATSY!!

**SHIPPO**

(annoyed)

MY NAME IS **SHIPPO!!!**

_Meanwhile, everyone else is examining the scratches_

**KOUGA**

What's that?

**SESSHOMARU**

That's the runes, you idiot!

**KOUGA**

Oh.

**KAGOME**

What language is it?

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

I think it's Aramaic!

**SANGO**

Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!

**MIROKU**

What does it say?

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

(reads)

"I'm growing ill, and I think I know why. A few weeks ago, I took rest at a castle named 'Cholera', and the women hosts there tempted me. They must have given me Cholera! Oh woe is me!"

**MIROKU**

(glups nervously)

**SANGO**

Umm...what about the HOLY TAMA?!

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

I was getting to that!

(reads)

"Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Tama in the Castle of Auggghhhh...

**SESSHOMARU**

The Castle of Augh?

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

That's what is says! "Augghh". Hm. 

He must have died while writing it.

**SANGO**

If he was dieing he wouldn't bother to write out 

'Augh', he would have said it and left a scratch 

mark across the wall or something as he died!

**MIROKU**

Maybe he was dictating?

**SANGO**

Shut up, that doesn't matter!

**MIROKU**

(goes to a dark corner of the cave and cries)

**MAYNARD**

There is a castle in Argentina. Maybe he meant that?

**SANGO**

Yeah right.

**SHIPPO**

There's always the Castle of Aaaahves.

**SESSHOMARU**

That's 'Ives' you idiot!

**KAGOME**

Aaaauughh.

**INUYASHA**

Auggghh?

**KOUGA**

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

**SESSHOMARU**

No, it's 'Augggh', from the back of the throat.

**KOUGA**

No, I mean 'AAAAHHHH!' in surprise and alarm!

**INUYASHA**

You mean like 'AHHHHHHHHH!', right?

**KOUGA**

Yeah. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Everyone turns to look and a huge six-foot-tall Jaken is standing there.

**EVERYONE**

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

**BROTHER MAYNARD**

Oh no! It's the dreaded Legendary Black Beast of- 

AAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!

The Legendary Black Beast eats Brother Maynard with a gross crunching sound.

**INUYASHA**

RUN AWAY!!

**EVERYONE**

RUN AWAY!!

(they run)

**NARRATOR**

_And so, our heroes ran from the Legendary Black Beast. All hope seemed lost, until the animator was suddenly struck with a fatal heart attack-_

(the ANIMATOR, aka NARAKU, suddenly falls BACKWARDS stiffly)

**NARRATOR**

_-and died. The Black monstrosity was no more, and the quest for the Holy Tama could continue._

**INUYASHA**

Phew...


	8. The Bridge of Death, Llamas, and the END...

**Inuyasha and the Holy Tama**

**By ArtikGato**

The end!! Wahoo!! ^____^ It's been fun writing this, and I hope you all had fun reading it! Remember that reviews are good!

**Part Seven**

**N. **Bridge of Death

**O. **Raging Authoresses, Llamas, and the END!! (finally!)

FADE IN

EXT. A ROCKY CANYON-ESQUE LAND

**AUDIENCE**

Argh!

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, and KOUGA walk out of the CAVE and find themselves in another CANYON-ISH AREA. Above, there is a rickety BRIDGE. As they get closer to the BRIDGE, they notice that KIKYO is standing at the foot of the BRIDGE)

**SANGO**

Look! It's her!! From scene Twenty-Four!

**INUYASHA**

Kikyo!

**KAGOME**

Kikyo...

(gets a murderous glint in her eyes)

**SESSHOMARU**

Well, what do you know.

**MIROKU**

I heard that she asks you five questions-

**KOUGA**

Three questions!

**MIROKU**

-right, and if you get all five-

**KOUGA**

Three!

**MIROKU**

Will you SHUT UP?!

(attacks Kouga)

(Sesshomaru and Sango restrain him)

**INUYASHA**

I think he was saying that if you get all five-

**KOUGA**

Three!!

**EVERYONE**

SHUT UP!!

(conks Kouga on the head)

**INUYASHA**

-correct you can go across the bridge.

**SANGO**

What if you get a question wrong?

**MIROKU**

Then you are cast into the 

Gorge of Eternal Peril!

**EVERYONE**

(SILENCE)

**INUYASHA**

So...who's going first?

**SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, SANGO AND INUYASHA**

(Push KOUGA toward the BRIDGE)

**KOUGA**

Why me?!

**EVERYONE**

You're annoying!

 **KOUGA**

Awww....

(goes up to the BRIDGE)

**KIKYO**

Stop!

(KOUGA stops)

To get past me you must answer 

these questions three, 'ere the other side ye see!

**KOUGA**

...a-ask me the q-questions bridge keeper,   
I'm not a-afraid!

**KIKYO**

Coulda fooled me... but anyway, 

Question #1! What is your name?

**KOUGA**

K-kouga the b-brave!

**KIKYO**

Question #2! What is your quest?

**KOUGA**

I...umm...I seek the Holy Tama!

**KIKYO**

What...is the capitol of Assyria?

**KOUGA**

What?!

(is cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril)

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!

**INUYASHA**

Well...I didn't really like   
Kouga that much...whose next?

**SESSHOMARU**

I'll go! First, I'll faint to the left,   
taking her by surprise, then try to decapitate-

**INUYASHA**

No, no, just answer the questions!

**KAGOME**

(snaps her fingers)

Damn. 

**SESSHOMARU**

Okay then.

(walks up to the bridge)

**KIKYO**

Stop!

(Sesshomaru stops)

To get past me you must answer 

these questions three, 'ere the other side ye see!

**SESSHOMARU**

Ask me the questions, bridge keeper!! 

I'm not afraid!

**KIKYO**

Question #1! What is your name?

**SESSHOMARU**

Sir Sesshomaru the Brave and 

Almightily Good Looking of Camelot!

**KIKYO**

What is your quest?

**SESSHOMARU**

I seek the Tama!

**KIKYO**

What is your favorite color?

**SESSHOMARU**

Blue!

**KIKYO**

All right then. 

(steps aside)

**SESSHOMARU**

Well, that was easy. 

(starts across the bridge)

**INUYASHA**

All right, let's go!

INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, MIROKU, and SANGO walk up to the bridge.

**KIKYO**

Stop!

(they stop)

**KAGOME**

I'll 'stop' you, bitch!

(lunges at her)

(Miroku and Sango hold her back)

**KIKYO**

To get past me you must answer 

these questions three, 'ere the other side ye see!

**KAGOME**

Or we can NOT answer the questions 

and just KILL you!! Let's kill her, Inuyasha!

**INUYASHA**

...ask me the questions, bridge keeper! 

I'm not afraid!

**KAGOME**

Hey!! 

**INUYASHA**

I'm just trying to prevent   
any needless bloodshed!

**KIKYO**

#1! What is your name?

**INUYASHA**

Inuyasha, King of the Hanyous, 

Humans, and Demons, of Camelot.

**SANGO**

Sir/Madam Sango the Wise of Camelot.

**MIROKU**

Sir Miroku the Pure of Camelot.

**SHIPPO**

Shippo the Servant of Camelot.

**KAGOME**

I'LL MESS YOU UP GOOD, YOU BITCH!!

**KIKYO**

Question #2! What is your quest?

**INUYASHA**

I seek the Tama!

**SANGO**

I also seek the Tama!

**MIROKU**

I seek someone to bear my child...

AND the Tama!

**SHIPPO**

Inuyasha made me come, 

so I also see the Tama.

**KAGOME**

TO SEE YOU DEAD, BITCH!!

**KIKYO**

What...is the airspeed velocity 

of an unladen swallow?

**INUYASHA**

Umm...what do you mean? 

European or African?

**KIKYO**

Eh? I don't know that!

(Kikyo is suddenly cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**KAGOME**

YAY!! THE BITCH IS DEAD!! 

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

**INUYASHA**

Well, now that THAT is over...

let's go across the bridge!

They go over the bridge, which takes a long time as they have to carefully make their way from plank to plank or

**INTERMISSION!!**

                                           they'll most certainly fall through to their dooms!! They finally make it across the bridge only to find themselves in a field.

**INUYASHA**

Sesshomaru?

**SANGO**

Sesshomaru!!

**MIROKU**

Hey! Are you there?

(Meanwhile, Sesshomaru is in the woods by a police car, but the cops are tied to trees with duct tape and Sesshomaru appears to be making out with a familiar looking girl...)

**GIRL**

HEY!! You get that camera out of here!! 

I command you as the authoress!

The camera suddenly spins out of control and suddenly all that can be seen is grass.

FADE IN

EXT. A FIELD WITH A CASTLE AND STUFF

(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, and MIROKU walk around aimlessly)

**KAGOME**

What's that?

**INUYASHA**

Why, it's the castle of Eurrghh!

They rush up to the CASTLE.

**INUYASHA**

The Holy Tama must be in there!! 

Our quest will soon be over!

**JEAN-CLAUDE (NARAKU)**

Oooo sez?

**INUYASHA AND THE OTHERS**

EH?!

**JEAN-CLAUDE**

'Allo stupid human ku-ni-guts and 

Monseiur 'Ee nuu yaa sha', who has the brain of a gerbil! 

We French outsmart you a second time a!

**INUYASHA AND THE OTHERS**

NOT THEM AGAIN!!

**JEAN-CLAUDE**

How you humans say, "I unclog my nose at you once more", sons and daughters of window cleaners! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you idiotic lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters!

**INUYASHA**

(Bangs on the door)

OPEN THE BLOODY DOOR 

YOU FRENCH BASTARDS!!

**JEAN-CLAUDE**

Yeah right!! I burst my pimples at you! 

Your silly door-opening request shall not be acknowledged, 

you tiny brained wipers of other peoples bottoms!

**INUYASHA**

Argh!!

The FRENCH throw EGGS at him.

THAT'S IT!!

He and his POSSE retreat.

**JEAN-CLAUDE**

That's right! Retreat!! 

Retreat and do not advance any further, or we shall make 

castanets out of your testicles and 

drums out of your skulls! Ha ha!

**INUYASHA**

Knights, we must prepare for battle at once!

(draws the Tetsusaiga)

**SANGO AND MIROKU**

YEAH!!!

(Sango draws her huge boomerang and Miroku unsheathes a sword)

Suddenly, a HUGE MULTITUDE of KNIGHTS appear on the HILL above, looking all KNIGHT-ISH and STUFF.

**INUYASHA**

French...people! Today, the blood of many a valiant warriors shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not stop until each and every one of you lies dead and the Holy Tama returns to those that God himself has chosen it to belong to!

All right, men and women! CHARGE!!!

They stampede at the CASTLE and STORM it despite the EGGS being thrown at them and the fierce FRENCH TAUNTING. They SLICE the HEADS off of the FRENCH GUARDS and the French DIE. They find the HOLY TAMA at the top of the CASTLE.

**INUYASHA**

Yes! The Tama is finally ours!!

However, just as INUYASHA and the KNIGHTS exit the CASTLE, a swarm of COP CARS show up and ARREST THEM. SESSHOMARU is in one of the cars, and the AUTHORESS suddenly arrives, SCREAMING at the COPS to RELEASE THEM. They REFUSE, and she drops TEN LLAMAS on EACH of their HEADS. They DIE, and GOD appears in the CLOUDS above.

**GOD**

Good job! You've defeated the French and 

gotten the Holy Tama back from them!! 

Now you can live happily ever after, 

because this story is officially over!

**EVERYONE**

YAYNESS!!!

**NARRATOR**

_And so, everyone lived happily ever after. Inuyasha and Kagome went off and lived in Camelot with all of the cooky knights. Miroku and Sango lived happily ever after as well. Shippo went to live far FAR away from Inuyasha. Sesshomaru and the Authoress also lived happily ever after. All of the other important characters were dead, so they DIDN'T live happily ever after._

**THE END!!!**


End file.
